Can't Get Enough
by Saharadesiderata
Summary: This AU story is an unconnected short about a world where Jonathan & Clary start out as a normal brother and sister. Jonathan has been struggling in his relationship w/ Clary, as her maturing body begins to lure him. What will happen when he finally gets the nerve to tell her about his conflicting feelings? (Warning: Suggestive Scenes & Adult Subject Matter) Clonathan all the way!


Can't Get Enough 

I don't know when it changed or how it changed. One day, I woke up and everything was different. We were always best friends. Never the kind of siblings who fought or got on each other's nerves, no. We were stuck like glue. Two halves of a whole and I thought that was normal, that some siblings were just closer than others. At least, that's what I told myself.

"Good morning Sunshine!" He smiled at me over the breakfast table with those abyss deep black eyes.

"Good morning_ Lollypop_!" I countered. _What? I figure if he gets to call me sunshine, then surely lollypop is okay, right? You know _sunshine, lollypops and rainbows_? Like the song? Huh, maybe I should've just gone with rainbow._

"Lollypop? _Where the fuck_ did that come from?" Whoa, back up! Jonathan _swore at me_? Jonathan doesn't swear, let alone _at me_! Holy twilight zone, batman!

"You said sunshine, so I… ah never mind. Are we walking to school together?" I asked trying to make light of his seemingly dark mood.

"Yeah, maybe, after you put some _clothes on_." He said and went back to munching his cereal.

"Hold the presses, what's the matter with what I'm wearing? Everything's _covered_." It was the end of May and we were in the middle of a heatwave, so I had put on my daisy dukes and a sheer white tank top with a blue bra under it. There was a new boy at school and I may or may not have been hoping to get his attention a bit. I mean, okay, maybe I'm not normally quite _that_ showy, but Jonathan was _totally over-reacting_!

"Even so, it doesn't exactly leave much to the imagination." He retorted under his breath.

"_Screw you, Jon!_ What's gotten into _your_ Oaties today?" I pouted and stormed upstairs to change.

I barely noticed the door opening as I finished slipping out of my clothes and then I turned around and realized he was standing right there watching me.

"I thought you were up here crying, not getting changed, so I came to apologize. I really wasn't trying to be a _jerk_, it's just that you've _grown up_ a lot lately and I don't want you sending the wrong impression. I'd rather not have to murder every boy at school for looking at my sister as if she were a piece of meat you know" He laughed nervously, obviously trying to maintain eye contact and doing his best not to look down. I had to give him tremendous credit for that.

"Thanks Jon, I'm sorry I got so pissy. I just couldn't understand where your _bad mood_ was coming from, that's all. You don't normally talk to me like that. I was confused as to what I had done wrong."

"Oh _Sweety_, you didn't do anything wrong. It's me. I've been having my own issues where you're concerned and they aren't your fault but it's something I'd rather not get into. I hope you can understand that." He sighed looking like a lost puppy.

"Okay… although I don't really get what kind of issues _you_ could be having that would have any bearing on my _wardrobe choices,_ unless… _oh gosh_, Jon?" He wasn't seriously saying what that sounded like, was he? No, it couldn't be!

"Yeah, I won't lie to you about it. So there, now do you understand?" Now he wouldn't look at me at all.

"Oh _Jon_, if they're _that kind_ of issues, I doubt my _dressing in layers_ is going to make a difference. You've been seeing me in various stages of undress our whole lives. _When did this _start?"

"Just this year, you've really _developed_ lately. Anyway it doesn't hurt to _try_ putting on a sweater and some capris or something, _for me_? If that doesn't work I may have to start distancing myself from you and I don't want to do that."

"No!_ Don't_ do that. Look, it doesn't bother me, okay. I won't lose you over this and I won't let things get awkward either. _I'm_ not worried about it, so _you _shouldn't be." I had finished getting dressed and moved closer to rest my hand on his shoulder reassuringly.

"I don't think you understand how _bad _it's getting for me. There have been _whole nights_ where I _can't sleep_ because I can't stop thinking about _you, lying in the next room_, etcetera and etcetera okay? It's bad Clary, _really bad_."

I should have just let it go at that point, it's what a _good _sister would have done. For some reason I just wanted him to keep talking. I wanted details, wanted him to voice his thoughts. I don't know why, it just seemed important in that moment. It _mattered _to me.

"What _do_ you think about? When I'm lying in the next room, keeping you awake, where do your thoughts _go_?"

"_Oh Clary_, I think you can guess."

"No, I wanna know! Do you think about what I'm _wearing_, or what I could be _dreaming about_? Do you think about paying me a _visit_? What it would _be like_?" I smiled encouragingly at him.

"Clary, _please_ don't make me talk about this, can't you see you're making it _worse_?" He sighed.

At that point I instinctively looked down. "Yep, I can see I'm making it worse alright. Apparently I'm making it _really hard_ for you. Sorry, I just was curious. I _am _curious. Please _tell me_, Jonathan?"

"Tell you _what_? How I _long to be in your room with you_. How I wish I could just walk out my door and in through yours and spend _every night in your bed_? How I wish I could touch you, kiss you, _make love to you_? Is that what you want to hear Clarissa? Don't you see how _impossible_ this is for me? I might as well _move out_! I'm eighteen now, so I would have been leaving home soon anyway, right? I might as well _just_ _go_." He turned to leave my room and knowing his impulsive nature, he was probably going to leave right then and there. Pack a bag, stay with a friend, get a job and find a place, the whole nine yards. But I wasn't about to _lose my brother_ over this. Not when I loved him _so damned much it hurt_, I wasn't!

I don't know what possessed me but I ran across the room, launched myself at him and tackled him to the ground, knocking the wind out of us both as we fell. "Oh, NO you don't!" I yelled. Thankfully our parents leave for work before we leave for school, so they weren't around to witness this. "You are NOT running out on me."

"Would you rather I _stay_ and risk doing something we'd both _regret_?" He glared.

"Oh puleeze! I would _much rather_ _you stay_ even if it means having you _throw yourself at me_ than I would have you _walk out of my life_ Jonathan, don't you get it? You mean _everything_ to me! Everything! Okay? So please, don't leave me! _Don't _ever_ leave me_!" I cried, sobbing into his chest while he held me in his arms.

"I am so sorry that we are even in the position to be _having_ this conversation. It is_ all_, my fault. I wish I could just _turn it off_ but I've _tried everything_! I've tried ignoring it, I've tried fighting it, I've tried going out with other girls, I've tried writing it down in a journal, I've tried throwing myself into other things, I've tried focusing on school, I've even thought about going to a _therapist_ to find out what's _wrong with me_ and why I can't shake this, so yeah, I've tried everything up to now, including talking to you about it, which I told myself I wasn't going to do because it shouldn't be your problem to worry about, so I'm sorry." He was crying too and just looked _so _stressed out about it. I knew I had to do something _fast_, or he was gonna walk out that door and _out of my life_ and there would be _nothing_ that I could do about it.

I placed my hands on the sides of his face and looked into his eyes. We were sitting so close that all I had to do was reach out a tiny bit more. "Have you tried _this_?" I asked as my mouth closed the distance to his. At first he wouldn't do it, he _refused_ to kiss me. But I was patient and I stroked his hair and held him close and eventually he opened up to me. And it that moment, it didn't matter. It didn't matter what the rest of the world thought and it didn't matter who we were to one another. I was a girl and he was a boy. He needed me and I needed him.

We fit together perfectly from our mouths in that kiss, to our bodies as that kiss became more, to our hearts as we both realized that we were the missing pieces in each other's puzzles. The missing links in each other's chains; you see, he was the one who had been honest with himself from the start. Me? I had never even faced it. Every time I got those wonderful butterflies in my stomach around him or the goose bumps whenever he touched me, the chills when he'd brush my hair out of my face, I told myself it was nothing. Even when he would kiss me goodnight on my forehead or cheek and it took everything I had not to turn my mouth toward him instead, I would tell myself it was no big deal.

Oh, but it wasn't '_nothing'_, it was _very much something_. It wasn't '_no big deal'_ it was maybe, _the biggest deal ever_. I was _his_ and the way it felt, it was like I was _made to be his_. I would never look at another boy ever again because they could never be enough for me. They could never be _my Jonathan_. I know he felt the same. It was perfect, then, and we were perfect together. I will always remember that first day as if it were yesterday. I will always remember when Jonathan and I truly found each other for the first time. I've lived a full life since then, and yet still after all this time, those remain some of my fondest memories.

The shocking bliss of my brother's lips, the wonder of his touch. The pleasure he brought me that could never be surpassed, the way he could make my body shiver all over and make my toes curl. I loved every moment of that period of discovery. Every first we shared. I think about it all the time. I think about_ him_ all the time. He's still the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing I think about every night. And you might think that's unhealthy but we don't. It feels right for us. It feels perfect. [Oh, uh hang on, I'm being paged, just a sec!]

"Are you coming to bed Honey? My feet are cold and I'm lonely without you."

[He's so cute when he's pouting.]

"I'll just be a minute. I'm telling our story, Baby."

"Oh okay. Did you write about how beautiful you looked walking down the aisle to meet me?"

[Just ignore him. _He's telling the parts you aren't supposed to know about_. ;-) ]

"Nope, and I also didn't tell them about the two beautiful, _perfectly normal_ children asleep in the next room either Jon! This was supposed to be the story of our_ beginning_, not _everything that's happened since_, or I'll _never _get to bed!"

"Well, we can't have _that_, can we? Tell your computer _goodnight _Clary."

[I guess I'm signing off now. Sorry folks. Anyway, I may have more tales to tell another time, right now, my man needs me.]

"You need to stop typing now Babe or I'm going to unplug this machine."

[Okay, Clary _out _peeps!]

END


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